Author: Mandalorian1428 Note: This story is written in an "annoying" style. It is intentionally poorly written for the reader's entertainment.
Fledge Flodge is twenty years old. He walked. He didn’t run. He didn’t skip. He didn’t jump. And he didn’t swim…he was on his way to do that. He was walking to swim. At home, Fledge’s sister, Saulprene Saltine Flodge, was taking care of his younger (not older)conjoined twin sisterez Mazu-zu. They weren’t actually conjoined but Mr. and Mrs. Flodge wanted ‘em to be. They sewed them two twins at the arm. Fledge’s best friend is a girl named Bananapam Sospasl, and she lives in the pool filter although she is six feet tall. Fledge sang a song that he wrote called Diddly Due McPhiddle. So, if it gets stuck in your head, don’t blame me…blame Fledge. At his college, Professor Kiddlefiddlediddle taught the sciences of papaya slicin’. Fledge didn’t take that class. He had more important things to do, like measure each blade of grass in a HUGE field. He began to sing.
“OH!!! I ate a piece of a computer. I regurgitated it on Wednesday. Saulprene mopped it up she did. And I ate some more. On Friday it went up the spout, down to the floor. AND HEY HEY HEY with a slice of pumpernickel I fell into the door!”
Fledge finally made it to the pool area. The lifeguard jumped off of his one-hundred-and-fifty-foot tall lifeguard post and landed on the concrete. FLAT! SPLAT! That’s how he landed, he did, he did!
“Hi Fledge. Saulprene wrote a letter here sayin’ that these here restrooms aren’t just suggestions, and the pool ain’t you’s litterbox. You can at least bury it like the felinus linus domesticus does.”
“They’re real and look them up so yah I like cheez!”
Fledge stuck his tongue out. He touched the dirty concrete. He licked it. The time was on the clock (well, where’d ya expect it to be?). Fledge climbed onto the top of the skinniest pine tree he could find that was about two feet away from the pool. NOTE: The landscaper was working blindfolded. Considering he (Fledge) is only a hundred and two pounds and only five feet tall, the skinny tree held him. Once he reached the top, he put on his Dutch wig and shoes, ripped off his shirt, and changed into his bathin’ suit. He yodeled.
“FLEDGE GET DOWN YOU IDIOT!” cried Principal Ionlygetjunkmailinmymailbox.
Other people screamed at him. No, not because Fledge was on a tree, but the fact that he was wearing a Dutch wig and shoes on the tree. Saulprene and Mazu-zu entered the pool at the exact moment that Fledge was diving. They were armed with folders. Saulprene was mad. Not happy. Not smiling. Not sad. Not distraught. Not lemon lime. Her eyes were frowning and her mouth was bloodshot.
“Fledge, outta my shoes!” cried Saulprene.
“And our wig.” Mazu-zu screeched.
Fledge dropped a load (no, really, he did. He dropped a bag of ice cubes). You are disgusting to even think of that kinda load…
“Fledge, I’m never buying you those exclusive ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ underwear OR the exclusive ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ T-shirt covered with pictures of Regis and three lifelines available. You stole stuff that wasn’t yours. Unless you buy me a new ‘Magnetize Your Friends and Watch Them Stick’ kit, I will not get you those things.”
Fledge looked down. Not up. Not sideways. Not diagonal. Not North, East, West, or South. He looked down. Straight down.
“Ok. Those thingers mean much!”
“EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” cried Bananapam.
“It would make no sense so watch old movies and not this hunk’a chicken marinade and coconut cream pie and I hate run on sentences but that’s what I’m doing anyways so don’t get mad at me if I don’t sell the toy car from Greece and partial Italy depending on if you are enjoyer of remote controls…and HEY HEY HEY IT’S DAVE MACARONICRUNCHER NORTHINGTON AND HE’S WITH THE CAST OF BLUE SCREEN, BLACK SCREEN, WHITE SCREEN, AND WHITE AND BLACK SCREEN!” called out Fledge.
“Finally, it’s over! Fledge, just stop talking!” screamed Saulprene.
Fledge once had a flea. It was a small flea. So it wasn’t a big flea. It bit him. He went rabid. He went frothy. He bit Saulprene. She didn’t go rabid. He bit Mazu-zu. She didn’t go rabid. He bit Bananapam. She didn’t go rabid. Fledge didn’t have rabies. He just had a frothy flairup. Fledge liked the name “Joe”, but Saulprene didn’t because she thought it was too weird and wouldn’t fit in. She said people would laugh at it and think it was dumb.
“Saulprene! I just found some mussha mussha on the ground of the pool!!!”
“What are you talking about, Fledge?”
“What is mussha mussha!?”
“Ya know, money!” Fledge replied. “It’s a million.”
“A million what? Dollars?”
“I think I’m going to paint and sell some buffalos.”
“No, real buffalos.”
“Being a collector of chap-stiiiiick, I will spend the money I found on it. That will cover what I need. I will also buy some new stylin’ boots!”
“Whatever. You should get back in the water or else.”
He did. He jumped. He got wet. He splashed Saulprene. She got mad. He got wet. She got wet. He swam over to Dr. Mable X. Clumpers. She was floating around on her back.
“Hey, Mable Clumpers!” he called out.
“What is it now, Fledge?”
“Look!” he said as he stuck out his tongue.
“I HAVE A MUSCLE ATTACHED TO MY THROAT!”
“Wow…I’m sooooo surprised.”
“I know, isn’t it weird?”
“It’s called a tongue, you idiot!”
Fledge swam away from her. He went to his friend Bananapam. Her mom was a cheerleader and she was in her early sixties. Her dad was a tennis player with powa. Fledge got out. He sat on a stool. He dried off his hair and put on his Dutch wig again.
THE END OF THIS ONE…SCREAMIN ON THE ‘COASTER!